Death Cafes were created in their current form by Jon Underwood and his mother, Sue Barsky Reid, in 2011. He believed there was a need to change societal perceptions of death and dying. Jon’s objective is ‘to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives’ (Death Cafe.com). Sadly, Jon has since died, leaving this legacy.
The Death Café movement provides a supportive space for people to gather and ponder, question or express their fears. Death cafes have popped up in 90 European, North America and Australasia countries. As someone with a background in a passion for palliative care, I was interested in knowing more about this enterprise. Having visited another Death Café and read up on the set-up and protocol, with the support of Maria Mariotti from Honohono Tātou Katoa and Birkenhead Library staff, I started a Death Cafe at Birkenhead Library in April 2024.
It has been an exciting and, at times, challenging but enjoyable undertaking. It is run on the first Sunday of the month and attended by approximately 15-18 people of all ages and ethnicities, some with grief issues and a need to share about a bereavement, others seeking more knowledge. At the same time, some turn up to see what a ‘Death Café’ is. Key themes that have arisen have been the reluctance in the community to talk about this topic, fear of death, philosophical thoughts on ‘why are we here’, a wish to relate their own experiences around death, and often just a curiosity around death. I have found that people appreciate the opportunity to meet and talk over tea and cake!
From my perspective, I have found it a humbling experience, listening to people sharing their raw emotions around the death of a loved one and seeing the empathetic response from others present. It has been challenging dealing with ‘different’ people, certainly providing opportunities for my personal development. While I appreciate it is a thought-provoking process for people, denying death will not stop it from happening. I believe that preparing for our death can have many positive consequences. But in closing,
I concur entirely with Jon Underwood that in finding peace with our inevitable death, we can appreciate the gift of life. To quote the psychiatrist, Irvin Yalom
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