An event was recently held at Birkenhead Library exploring ‘after death’ issues. As is the pattern with these events when the sun is shining, the numbers in attendance are smaller, but meaningful conversations were held and knowledge gained by those present. On the panel was an End-of-Life Doula, Treza Gallogly, a Funeral Director, Meg from Aroha Funerals. We had hoped to have the Sexton from Waikumete Cemetery, unfortunately was unwell on the day.
The group was made up of older women, some keen to explore funeral options, while others (who have also attended the Death Café, have an interest in the mystery surrounding death and the thoughts and beliefs held by others. As always, we encouraged ‘Advance Care Planning’, one attendee commented on how she felt a burden had been lifted off her shoulders once she had faced her own mortality and prepared for the end of her life. She now lives and enjoys everyday knowing it has all been ‘sorted’ and her family will not be burdened.
There was significant interest in how money can be saved when planning a funeral, the use a shroud or liner and hiring a coffin. Several had buried their partners and did not want “all the fuss” and money spent on their own funerals. The panel were able to dispel some of the many myths around funerals, such as, confirming that embalming is often not necessary, highlighting other methods to keep a loved one cool if the family wish to keep the deceased at home (such as Maanaki Mats). Several of the ladies recalled their grandparents being kept at home until the funeral. A funeral is not mandatory, but if desired it can be held in places other than the premises of a funeral director or the Crematorium. Natural burials were discussed, and how other environmentally friendly methods of disposing of our bodies are becoming available overseas.
On reflection, the group appeared to consider some type of ‘send-off’ helped those left behind to grieve. While this may vary by culture or tradition Mary Frances O’Connor, an American psychology professor has observed in her book The Grieving Brain that rituals offer ‘constancy and comfort’ in the times of uncertainty. Rituals at the end-of-life have taken place for hundreds of years, and connect us with previous generations, who have experienced the same grief and uncertainty and have gone on to ‘live restored and meaningful lives’.
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